Facilities
The point that I would like to make is about the lack of sports facilities.Between all members of staff, better sports facilities need to be available, because the ones that we have are insufficient (especially because we are in a sports school).
In addition, the old year seven playground was not even a playground, it was a Car Park. And this is not the worst. One of the most popular sport in any school is fpotball,- you do not even give us the chance to enjoy it. Maybe if you give us a chance, we will use it respectfully and not take advantage of it. The main reason people get injured is because the year nines take advantage of all year sevens that look vulnerable by pushing them and barging them out of the way and on to the floor. Year eights are used to this because they had it last year and have adapted to it. If you were to give the year nines their own playground (ie: the car park) the year sevens from every year will be happy and safe.
What I think you should do ,as a year seven my self, is at the end of this academic year, you should give the present year nines (new year tens) their own playground and give every other year group the same one to share.
In addition, you could raise money to buy our own pitch/es. You could do fund raising by setting up football tournament or selling cakes or something. You could even set up a summer fair. These approaches will earn you some money to put towards it also, each year you could do a summer fair and put all of this money towards our pitches.
This is what I think about these topics. Please may you write back to me informing me about your personal point of view.
Thank you for reading my letter.
Your Sincerely, Josiah Mitchell.
April 14, 2015 at 8:07 am
These are some of your strongest points: ‘If this issue is not addressed soon then someone will end up seriously hurt and the school will have a bad record.
Students need protection and these issues need addressing as soon as possible.’
Your argument is clear and your tone is strong.
You haven’t quite achieved the Transactional Writing badge, but you’re nearly there.
Targets
1) Avoid starting sentences with conjunctions (and, because, also, but…). Where have you done this and how will you correct it?
2) Structure – should your letter tackle both facilities and racism? If these are both issues that are bothering you, then you should introduce them both in your introduction. If this isn’t the case, then maybe your letter should be about one or the other (not both – it will have a clearer purpose this way).
3) Aim to re-draft at least one paragraph in order to achieve the Perfect Paragraph badge
http://achieve.community.edutronic.net/stage-one-writing/perfect-paragraph/
How will you meet this criteria?
April 15, 2015 at 10:24 pm
I can see that you have taken the decision to make the focus of your letter clearer – I’m pleased – well done.
Targets:
1) Be sure your letter opens like a letter.
2) Re-read and edit your final paragraph to achieve Perfect Paragraph badge
3) You need to write at least one more paragraph to meet your minimum word limit.
Keep it up!